Oh yeah, I have a blog.

Y'know... sometimes I really miss writing. Publicly. I write in my journal all the time now (well, more often than I did in high school and usually at least once a week). But there's something about sending all your thoughts out via the internet that's rather... therapeutic? It's probably silly; I would usually blog when I felt especially teenager-y or angst-y. And then there was always this roadblock in my mind that told me I couldn't just make a regular blog because I wasn't married. Now THAT'S silly. Why do we wait for some type of self-imposed but society-given permission to do things like this? Really? Silly. However, now that I'm probably a little closer to getting married than I was before (meaning I'm older, wiser and dating someone amazing... I'll discuss that later) I'm getting non-angsty urges to blog. So I'll probably start doing this more regularly. Maybe. I've said that before and it hasn't happened. I debated making a new blog to but I figured what the hey. If I end up publicizing this via facebook (which I'll probably do) everyone can know what an idiot I was before my mission (although the utter idiocy is not completely displayed... you'll have to look up my old Xanga account for that. It's pretty hilarious to read now. Luckily, thanks go egocentrism, I'm probably the only one that will ever take the effort to go read those posts :D). Whell... I worked out today and I still haven't showered. So I should get on that, 'cause I'm meeting Andrew in an hour and a half. I'm always late. And he just texted me and asked for his only hoodie back. Which I still haven't washed when I borrowed it at a bonfire two weeks ago. Whoops. Good thing he loves me =) Soo... yeah. Imma get on that. I will write more later though. Hopefully. Yes.

oh v-day

Probably every other Valentine's day of my life I've focused on who didn't love me or what hadn't been done for me. Today, and every other day for that matter, I've decided to focus on the love that that's surrounded me all along. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father and Savior's love as well as that from my family and friends. Honestly, I feel very spoiled because of it all =) despite my trials, my Heavenly Father loves me and He keeps showing me how.

i love to see the temple, i'm going there TOMORROW!

I'M SO EXCITED! :D

SOO READY... i think =)

So, since i haven't really updated about my life since may, i should do that.

If you didn't know (who even am i talking to? what the heck?) I got my mission call! I'm going to the Illinois Chicago North Spanish Speaking Mission! SOO EXCITED! I leave on November 18th for the MTC. I've been waiting soo long for my call... as my stake president put it I had been "called" already by the Lord... back in December when i KNEW that a mission was right for me. But I finally got my assignment to serve and I couldn't be happier! Right away I knew that it was right. I know it's where God wants me to go, and I know that with his help I can do much good there.

A side note that is kind of interesting... our stake presidency is changing so I was the last missionary to get a temple recommend under them and the first to be set apart under the new presidency.

--i wasn't able to finish this blog 'cause i had chores to do. haha--

TRUST.

sometimes i set out to disprove a point... a stereotype or expectation or what have you... only to find that i end up proving it even better than it was proved in the past. i hate that.

the specific situation? doesn't really matter 'cause i've done it so many times in so many different situations that's it's pretty pointless to use examples. even thought that would make this much less confusing and ambiguous.

what i've learned? that's what matters. would you like to hear these words of wisdom that i have figured out? i bet you would. and i'd like to share them with you.

the problem with me sharing them with you? if i told you, you probably wouldn't believe me. well, more realistically you'd nod your head in approval and move on, taking what i have to say lightly. you'd probably agree. you'd probably think they were great words. but would they be more than that to you? i know that if i were in your situation, that's about all they'd be to me. there's only so much words can do. the spirit does the rest. i know that. you know that. but do we really? how much of what we "know" do we really know. well, in any case... i'm not going to assume the worst of you. i'm going to give you my words of wisdom and hope that you'll do more with them than i would if i were reading this on your blog. this is what they are; this is what i've learned and have decided to do:

i'm going to stop trusting myself and start trusting God.

and while i'm at it...

what i know? I know that i am a daughter of the most supreme, creative, loving being in the universe, and as such i've inherited a few of his characteristics. i still have this darn "natural man" to get over, but i know that the less i worry about that and the more i place myself in my Father's arms to be taken care of, the closer I get to being like Him; the closer I get to emulating my beloved Father who has given me everything. there's nothing--nothing-- good that i have done or that i have that hasn't come as a gift from him. My very being, my parents, my home, my sense of direction and purpose (and boy is that a major one...), my personality, my taste in awesome music, my writing ability, my gift to understand where people are coming from, my love for his other children (which i should really use more often with some. hm.) everything has come from Him. I know also that out of those gifts, the hardest one for Him to give, and the one I am most grateful for, is that of His son. I shudder to think that either of them would find me worthy of this gift. But they have. My big brother, my Savior, my Redeemer, suffered beyond the emotional and physical pain I've had in my lifetime, beyond the physical pain my sister had from 3 rounds of chemo and a bone marrow transplant, beyond the emotional pain my uncle must have had right before he took his life... he suffered for all of his Father's children. With such intense pain that blood came out of every single freaking little pore in his body. And after that, his best friends betrayed him, sold him, denied his purpose. After all he did for them, all he did for the world, he is still despised and rejected of men. As it is today, people despise his name. Some people use his name as justification to do exactly the opposite of what he spent his entire life teaching and doing. And why? Why would anyone do this? What makes it worth it? The answer is love. He loves me--you--everyone... SO MUCH that all of that is worth it to him. Because he did that, we can live with our Father again. Yes, it's conditional. Why wouldn't we need to prove that we're worthy of that gift--the greatest gift given to anyone? But when you think of the price of the gift in comparison to what we need to do to receive it? It's nothing. Be a good person, believe, follow the rules that Father put in place. It's nothing in comparison to what Christ did for us. It's so simple. Maybe not always easy, but simple. But guess what? That gift he gave us also covers our butts after we've screwed up. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?! It honestly never ceases to amaze me that someone would offer you the best real estate possible, give up his son to pay the down payment, expect you to make some monthly payments here and there, but then again, his son will cover what you can't as long as you let him know.

I don't even know the half of it, but i know that more happiness and joy awaits us if we follow this plan set out by our loving Father. I am SO excited to be able to share that with His children who haven't had the opportunity to hear about it. you don't even know. am i scared that i won't be good enough? heck yes. but i also know that that same Father that has literally given me everything will be there for me as I try to explain His plan and His gospel. He'll put words in my mouth that i didn't know were there... (especially spanish ones since that's what i'll be speaking hehe) He'll show me people that need his spirit that I wouldn't have thought would appreciate it.... who knows what all is in store for me as i serve my mission. All I know is that I will strive to be as much of a tool in the hands of the Lord as possible.... for the next 18 months and beyond. And at this point in my life, nothing could make me happier.

Wow, that was short-lived.

I thought I was going to be blogging a lot once I got this, but I'm not... probably cause nothing exciting is really happening to me on a daily basis. Maybe THAT'S why only married people blog. haha.

Sea World finally called me back to rehire me. I think they called me on the 15th and I didn't have orientation till the 20th, and training is this Saturday, the 30th. I'll know then when my first day is.

The mission papers kind of got put on hold for awhile, but hopefully they'll start up again soon. I've filled out all I need to, it's just getting a doctor's appointment set up--and that works with everyone's schedule--that's the problem. I have to be home to watch Kimberly when my mom is taking Sarah to the doctor, among other things. Aaaand, I kind of want my mommy there. Except for the visits I made in Rexburg, I've never gone to the doctor without my mom. I guess she's something like a security blanket for me.

Sometimes I don't like the fact that I'm still SO attached and dependent on my family. People my age are out on their own, married, babies... I was on my own 1 1/2 months ago too so I guess I shouldn't be complaining it's not like I haven't moved out... and maybe that's the problem: I'm used to being independent but now I'm back under  my parents' roof, obeying their rules, having to work around their schedule.... I don't know. I feel babied, but I guess there's not very much time left until I have to be a bone-ified adult so I should enjoy the babying. I just wish I had a little more room to breathe. Although they have loosened their strictness a lot since I moved out.

My dad and I have decided to make this summer a "Biggest Loser" summer. We both want to lose 50 pounds. That's gonna be tough, but I think it's possible. This is an outline of what I'd like my day to be like... sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but maybe if I write it down I'll start living it daily:

(times change based on my work schedule, but this is the basic idea):

7:30 Wake up, eat breakfast

8:00 Read scriptures, study "Preach My Gospel"

9:00 tend to whatever business I have that day. ie, work, getting Adobe to refund me the $2000 they stole so I can use my checking account again (long, frustrating story that should have been resolved a week ago)

1, 2 or 3:00 go to the gym, swim and do strength training/weight lifting for at least an hour total

Later: Come home and eat lunch... and whatever else needs to be done at home.

6:00 Make/eat dinner...

8:30 go to the gym with my dad and run for at least 45 minutes.

10:00 family time, and after everyone goes to bed, facebook/journal/blog writing time.

12:00 bedtime.

That's the goal. We'll see how work fits in with that... Right now that's just my unemployed schedule/the days I don't work. SO... good luck to me, eh?

I really want to look good. I look back at the pictures of myself in middle school/high school and it makes me sad. I was so self-conscience of my weight that I was never really myself. I guess that sometimes holds true now, but I feel like I'm a little more comfortable in my skin now.... I just want to be CONFIDENT. That's never a word I'd use to describe myself, but it's something that I really would like--something I'm aiming for.  I'm gonna be cocky and a little bit mean here for a second: I think I have a good face. I think my face is beautiful, which is quite frankly something that not everyone has and it's something that can't be fixed. I just want the body to match it. Lucky for me, my shortcoming is fixable. It's not easy but I want it so bad that I'm willing to literally work my butt off for it. haha... get it? lol. (actually I like my butt, I just wish my stomach would go away.) I don't want to be stick thin. I like my curves. They just need to be a tad smaller. So, anyway. It's almost 12 which means its almost bedtime. Wish me luck, and goodnight =)

I'm not married, but I decided to make a blog anyway.

Remember in high school when xanga was the shizz? Before facebook, before myspace, it was all about xanga.I loved my xanga... I wrote in it every day. But no one has xanga anymore, they have facebook. But facebook doesn't really have a blog. Soo, blogspot is the new xanga I suppose. I usually try to keep up with the trends and subscribe to the newest websites (ie, twitter, which really doesn't make sense to me yet...) I guess that's just the comm major in me :P. But I didn't get a blogspot for the longest time cause I always felt like only married people did... So i was waiting to get engaged before I set up a blogspot, but that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon... haha.... so here i am =)

i consider myself a pretty good writer and i have a lot of time on my hands lately (what with being unemployed =/) so this should be interesting.