TRUST.

sometimes i set out to disprove a point... a stereotype or expectation or what have you... only to find that i end up proving it even better than it was proved in the past. i hate that.

the specific situation? doesn't really matter 'cause i've done it so many times in so many different situations that's it's pretty pointless to use examples. even thought that would make this much less confusing and ambiguous.

what i've learned? that's what matters. would you like to hear these words of wisdom that i have figured out? i bet you would. and i'd like to share them with you.

the problem with me sharing them with you? if i told you, you probably wouldn't believe me. well, more realistically you'd nod your head in approval and move on, taking what i have to say lightly. you'd probably agree. you'd probably think they were great words. but would they be more than that to you? i know that if i were in your situation, that's about all they'd be to me. there's only so much words can do. the spirit does the rest. i know that. you know that. but do we really? how much of what we "know" do we really know. well, in any case... i'm not going to assume the worst of you. i'm going to give you my words of wisdom and hope that you'll do more with them than i would if i were reading this on your blog. this is what they are; this is what i've learned and have decided to do:

i'm going to stop trusting myself and start trusting God.

and while i'm at it...

what i know? I know that i am a daughter of the most supreme, creative, loving being in the universe, and as such i've inherited a few of his characteristics. i still have this darn "natural man" to get over, but i know that the less i worry about that and the more i place myself in my Father's arms to be taken care of, the closer I get to being like Him; the closer I get to emulating my beloved Father who has given me everything. there's nothing--nothing-- good that i have done or that i have that hasn't come as a gift from him. My very being, my parents, my home, my sense of direction and purpose (and boy is that a major one...), my personality, my taste in awesome music, my writing ability, my gift to understand where people are coming from, my love for his other children (which i should really use more often with some. hm.) everything has come from Him. I know also that out of those gifts, the hardest one for Him to give, and the one I am most grateful for, is that of His son. I shudder to think that either of them would find me worthy of this gift. But they have. My big brother, my Savior, my Redeemer, suffered beyond the emotional and physical pain I've had in my lifetime, beyond the physical pain my sister had from 3 rounds of chemo and a bone marrow transplant, beyond the emotional pain my uncle must have had right before he took his life... he suffered for all of his Father's children. With such intense pain that blood came out of every single freaking little pore in his body. And after that, his best friends betrayed him, sold him, denied his purpose. After all he did for them, all he did for the world, he is still despised and rejected of men. As it is today, people despise his name. Some people use his name as justification to do exactly the opposite of what he spent his entire life teaching and doing. And why? Why would anyone do this? What makes it worth it? The answer is love. He loves me--you--everyone... SO MUCH that all of that is worth it to him. Because he did that, we can live with our Father again. Yes, it's conditional. Why wouldn't we need to prove that we're worthy of that gift--the greatest gift given to anyone? But when you think of the price of the gift in comparison to what we need to do to receive it? It's nothing. Be a good person, believe, follow the rules that Father put in place. It's nothing in comparison to what Christ did for us. It's so simple. Maybe not always easy, but simple. But guess what? That gift he gave us also covers our butts after we've screwed up. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?! It honestly never ceases to amaze me that someone would offer you the best real estate possible, give up his son to pay the down payment, expect you to make some monthly payments here and there, but then again, his son will cover what you can't as long as you let him know.

I don't even know the half of it, but i know that more happiness and joy awaits us if we follow this plan set out by our loving Father. I am SO excited to be able to share that with His children who haven't had the opportunity to hear about it. you don't even know. am i scared that i won't be good enough? heck yes. but i also know that that same Father that has literally given me everything will be there for me as I try to explain His plan and His gospel. He'll put words in my mouth that i didn't know were there... (especially spanish ones since that's what i'll be speaking hehe) He'll show me people that need his spirit that I wouldn't have thought would appreciate it.... who knows what all is in store for me as i serve my mission. All I know is that I will strive to be as much of a tool in the hands of the Lord as possible.... for the next 18 months and beyond. And at this point in my life, nothing could make me happier.